So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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