More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
