dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
