im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
And then he peed in my hair
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
