I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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