just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
so let's talk penis.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
