I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
