I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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