first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize