If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize