Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
