mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
