you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
there's paper in my vomit.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
