It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
