Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
