How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
