I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
