When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
