Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
