she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
