I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
