Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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