Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
