college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
