So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
