I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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