No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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