i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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