guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
