I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Randomize
