I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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