my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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