My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize