Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
