we have pet lesbian snakes
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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