I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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