I didn't shave. On purpose
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm passing your future prison.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
