Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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