I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
