just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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