i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
