I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
