Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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