Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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