I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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