is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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