I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
