Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
