i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize
