Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
