I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
