I wish I could punch you in the face.
Can Purell be used as lube?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
