Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
