My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
