My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize