Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
