I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
