I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
