The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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