Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
