my phone needs a breathalizer
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
